Healing through Grief 18/08/08

The year 2008 was promised to be the Year of the Death of the Ego, in Intuitive Soul Radio’s New Years Message channeled by Dr Williams through Bart Smit. Little did I know in January how this would play out and all the tests and endings that would beat my ego into submission.

The year began with great love, celebrating in the beautiful city of Puerto Vallarta. I was among friends and lover and knew that the year would bring great change and evolution, I just didn’t anticipate just how much I would have to lose to create enough space in my life for this change and evolution. I have experienced great moments of presence, deep meditative states and blissful spiritual practices. I was wonderfully supported and loved – as I loved back.

Maybe, the saying it’s “too good to last” was what happened, especially for the year that promised the death of the Ego. Early in 2008 I had no indications that the year 2007, which boosted record highs in my life and business and great love and support would in any way be impacted in 2008.

However, the end of March, at once again a spiritual retreat (several years earlier, at a spiritual retreat, my life changed dramatically, at least this time it wasn’t due to an old, dark magician) my life began to show patterns of great change. Patterns of decisions made that impacted my life, patterns of my oldest core issue of abandonment and situations where I wasn’t perceiving the love and support I had the year earlier. These old patterns forced me to evaluate my triggers, observe my reactions and responses and make decisions about what I wanted and needed. What I later discovered, as I re-evaluated my life and all that occurred – many of the decisions I make when being triggered by abandonment, is to give my power away – a pattern imprinted by my birth mother when she was forced to decide between her unborn child or my married birth father. I have always given my power to men – they had the power to make decisions that impact my life and do the one core pattern of my life – abandonment – and unconsciously I would give my power away in an attempt to stop this from occurring. In fact, I would become more determined to make something work and throw myself into it, whether it was a situation or a relationship (especially, if a man was the catalyst, although in the case of work, it wasn’t always a male). This time my perception of what was occurring wasn’t just a relationship, it was also a larger spiritual family which we were both connected to as part of the same soul group. But as April turned to the end of May – everything I had been trying so hard to work on and deepen, came tumbling down with just a couple of decisions. The life I knew was thrown into crisis. A healing crisis that have left me perceiving that both the relationship and the greater spiritual family were no longer providing me with the support and love I had felt so nurtured in, just a few months earlier (this is not to suggest that no one supported me). And I fell hard into the one area that I had avoided most of my life – from anger (which has recently been pretty easy to acknowledge) to the far more vulnerable – GRIEF!

We rarely understand the power of grief – and a lot of spiritual/new agers – like to do an anger and grief bypass. I, like many, have also fallen into this spiritual bypass – when anger can be avoided – as it is just ego and therefore we never get to the grief that lies underneath, that must be honored and acknowledged as valid, if we are ever to heal the inner child that holds these core beliefs. In fact, we may not even get to the anger, as fear is the 1st emotion and also an easy spiritual bypass. However, I have spent most of my life, understanding my fears and therefore identifying my major fears as abandonment, not being acknowledged, and not being heard etc. So, I have an acute awareness of my fears and therefore can observe my reactions or respond appropriately. I went through my anger – accepting my responsibility for the teachings and messages that triggered the anger and then spent the last 12 weeks in my grief.

I made a decision a few years ago that I would do everything with an Open Heart. It means remaining open, regardless of what is happening around me or what feels like, to me. It means I fall in love quickly and hold love for everyone. It means trusting everyone and having great compassion and empathy. When it comes to grief, it means not letting anger, betrayal, your fears or grief close down your heart. For me it meant feeling into the grief and working from the most recent example or catalyst of abandonment, to my core issues and even into my past lives where this pattern originated. And realizing that I even abandoned myself prior to being born, until the vivid memory I have always held, when I came back into my body at age 2.

Grief is one area that many people don’t understand and don’t know how to interact with you while you are in this process. Instead of respecting the process, they want to try and help you out of it… or worse, they want to find out every detail of what happened… which triggers you into more grief, while trying to explain, what isn’t explainable. Most people don’t know what to do with a 2 year old while they are in a temper tantrum… or at least not successfully. Yet we have all learned to stop ourselves from experiencing these natural emotions of fear, anger and grief. This fear, anger and grief are healthy expressions of our pent up, stuffed down, unacknowledged emotions that have been stored since our early childhood and in my case, before I was even born. We need to honor this process to release it!

As I enter the end of what I feel is the grief process, I have paid a price, many times questioning if this is grief or just self pity? Honoring this process has been long and arduous… and kept me from experiencing the joy, love and compassion I am typically known for. It meant my focus was not on my work, (which therefore suffered and yet I was completely taken care of) but on healing this grief, which is all encompassing and the closest to the heart and of all emotional pain. But in taking responsibility for my grief and not laying blame, I recognized the similarities and how all emotions can get mixed together, fear, anger, betrayal and grief… even self pity… believing you can be a victim to whether someone loves you or choses to leave due to their own fears, anger and grief which they are unable to deal with. I realized, as I came to the ending of this process that there was anger and betrayal that hadn’t been dealt with, and there seems to be a fine line when it comes to healing core issues – where responses and these emotions get blurred. Yet in choosing to honor this process fully, everything needs to be experienced and given a voice, if possible. Writing has always allowed me to give a voice to my experiences, and can lead to lengthy and emotionally-bared heart and soul emails, which have not always been received as they were given, with an open heart. And I learned that it is all an ego/pain body response or reaction, and when I am conscious it becomes an honoring of my chosen response. There were a few times since March where I unconsciously reacted to the core issue being triggered, but quickly acknowledged and accepted responsibility for these reactions.

How do you know when a process ends or how do you know if you are healed? I have had moments throughout the past 12 weeks where clarity, freedom, peace and joy have been experienced, but the over all pattern of grief remained. Now as I enter my 13th week, it is still present, but an awareness that my final show of anger allowed me a freedom that hadn’t been expressed and it concluded a process of seeing the catalysts in a way that released my power and brought it back in a healthy way. Also seeing the catalysts in this new light, allowed the expression of this healthy anger to re-empowered me and release the grip that my grief had a hold on within me. It has also brought in a greater gratitude and forgiveness within this whole process (not for the catalysts, as they were just the messengers and teachers for my own growth and healing and they I felt great gratitude for, very quickly), but forgiveness for my self, has allowed this process the healing it deserved.

However, does it mean I am whole? When I see my life, I am feeling a consciousness that wasn’t there before and a depth of my Being that hadn’t quite been fully present. However, I don’t think I will know the depth of my healing until I am within another soul connection that could trigger my core issue of abandonment. I know that I am far more aware and also acknowledge the growth that I have allowed through this grief process. I know that by finally allowing the grief the honor and respect that I had denied most of my life, I gave it a voice. I know that honoring this process has been the most difficult process I have ever endured, and I know that there is still some grief left, and not completely finished. However, it is giving way to my heart feeling freer and my breathing expanding – releasing the blocks that began this process in my solar plexus and ending in my throat. By acknowledging my last vestiges of anger, it freed my throat to say and feel all the pain I have held since before birth, through the betrayal and anger of the last catalysts. I am finally in the position to honestly feel ready for the next steps in my life, fully in my own power and ready for the move I am making in 2 weeks and a new Chapter to my life.

Through this I have realized that I am my own teacher! I have no more need to have one outside of me. Soul groups are awesome, but no matter how hard you try, unless we are all seen and acknowledged as equal, then power will be easily given, unconsciously and consciously. I know that even though my last relationship was not karmic, old patterns can still occur and creep in, if not conscious, and that the lessons I learned will never again become unconscious. I will now be very aware and conscious of where I give my power and how I interact and respond, instead of reacting in an unconscious way to my ego/pain body’s triggers. I have learned that what I have to do is share my power, not give it away.

So have I had my “Death of the Ego”? I know that I am humbled by my experiences this year, and that I have a depth of my Being that had not previously been present. That I am even more compassionate and present than I have been. My grief and anger were my ego and pain body, but they were the last vestiges of this hold my ego has. Is it gone – NO! It keeps me humble and aware of where I have come and how far I have yet to go. I know now that my life is filled with endless possibilities once more and that the next year will provide many of my dreams to be manifested! I have seen the gift of my grieving process and celebrate a new chapter of my life.

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