Seems like an odd direction for my thought process this month … however as I was preparing for a 21 day healing event with Emmanuel Dagher and Ziad Hashash – where I had to come up with the direction for this healing opportunity – I uncovered a series of what could be seen as unrelated events that I will say were synchronistic guidance from my Divine guidance system that happens to work in very unique ways. It’s like putting together pieces of a puzzle – at least when it comes to me hearing my own guidance. When it comes to offering guidance to others I am much clearer and precise. With me I tend to need many things to convince myself or find the thread that may assist me to be guided in the right direction.
The early morning began with a dream. Typically my dreams are in a helping manner and my reason for going to an event in my dreams is to help someone else. However the two people I went with in my dream in the early morning did not receive the initiation. Instead: I did. In my dream it was with an old teacher who I left because I uncovered that he was working with some very dark energies. However in this dream the initiation was a very powerful one around opening my Goddess connection to Sacred Sexuality and in the dream the old teacher and I began dating. When I awoke from the dream I remember feeling overwhelmed with love and knew something powerful had occurred in the dream time as well as possibly a forgiveness of old hurts. Then I listened to both meditations from Ziad and Emmanuel and something in Ziad’s meditation began the process of trying to understand my current health issue and was supported with Emmanuel’s core work.
Since July of last year, I’ve had some issues with a molar and what I thought would be a simple cavity filling (3rd time for this tooth) turned into a need for a root canal. However the infection never really went away so last Oct I had an infection that began to go septic and even though I did the ‘right’ things – antibiotics and antibiotic care then a series of holistic treatments to support my immune system – the abscess is still present. For some reason I had never looked up the significance of this tooth or asked my body what it needed.
So I finally did some research and found some fascinating information on teeth and root canals. One piece to the puzzle that I found was that this particular tooth was on never fitting in or feeling like an outsider. Now this didn’t become clearer until I began describing it in an interview I was doing with Jean Adrienne later that day. That’s when I realized that for the past couple of years I have been desiring a healthy relationship with someone I could share my life with. Given the dream that morning it clicked in place that most of the men that I found – or found me – never really ‘got me’ and (wait for it)… unconsciously I felt like I couldn’t fit in. We strong, accomplished, spiritual teachers often intimidate men. So we look for strong men who are not easily intimidated by us to share our lives with.
However such men don’t tend to be in the Spiritual community. And once I find such men and they find out who I am they often get scared away. To me, obviously, I would rather be alone and happy (which I am) than compromise who I am. But there is obviously a belief that I have around relationships and not fitting into the ‘typical’ relationship. It is my belief and my story that creates this dilemma and not actually what is happening. I probably come off too strong in the beginning or don’t open up quick enough because I don’t trust that they will be able to accept who I am and I don’t trust that I am safe with them. So, my infection is confirming my belief that I don’t fit in. And the poor choices that I make show I am not quite as open as I had thought.
However, it doesn’t negate that I am happy the way I am right now. I have a successful home business doing everything I love! I set my own hours. I love where I live and the area I live in. I have the most precious gift in my newest kitten that has allowed me to open up differently. I honor my journey and do everything I can to heal my sacred wounds. I am truly happy. Yet I recognize when I sabotage different areas of my life and know that if I was truly ready and open I would be in a relationship!
My health has transformed over the past couple of years and now I only have a couple of areas that still require my attention – far fewer areas than 2 years ago. I also recognize that when it comes to one’s health you have to be very careful how you focus your attention! If there is pain you can’t heal it if that is where your attention goes. Which brings me back to relationships: if you still have outstanding beliefs (known or unknown) you won’t achieve what you desire most. I continued to put my attention on the areas that weren’t complete.
I am profoundly grateful to uncover an area that was unknown to me consciously which obviously my body was aware of. I recognize that everything works together to collaborate in this amazing journey we call life. I encourage you to challenge yourself to put the puzzle pieces of your life together and to celebrate the missing or broken pieces for those such pieces lead to greater awareness and opportunities of acceptance that allow us to see our wholeness and perfection. We truly are living in incredible times where we can see our Divinity and Wholeness as who we are. And I suspect that after my 21 days of healing I will see some beautiful changes within. Thank you Emmanuel and Ziad in advance for you have already gifted me with so much!